If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
