yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
