My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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