i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
