my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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