Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
