you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
