I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Randomize
