Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
