I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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