There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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