True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
