So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
