You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Even my vagina gasped.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
