Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
