Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
