I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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