i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
