She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
