My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Randomize
