You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
