I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
