I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
