...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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