You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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