If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
