I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We left the knife in your bed.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
