I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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