I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
