We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
