I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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