I wish I could teleport
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
