I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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