we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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