Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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