You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
