mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
