Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
