I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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