Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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