wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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