Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
