So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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