I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
