I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
