I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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