get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
