Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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