dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
