I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
