she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
there was a trapeze. enough said
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
