How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
