The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
