Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
