If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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