Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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