How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
