every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
