my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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